HOW TO DEAL WITH BEREAVEMENT (II)

TAKE IT HEAD-ON, DEAL WITH IT!

There is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with bereavement. But based on experience, having been through it myself, I can make a few suggestions which individuals can adapt to their situation.

Contrary to general opinion, when the father dies in a family, the girls are the most vulnerable but the boys require most attention. It sounds silly and self-contradictory but I know what I’m talking about. They have the responsibility to keep the family together as a major family disintegration becomes imminent.

1. Boys in particular like playing “the man” when for example; the father of the house passes away. They try not to cry, maybe they have always lived with the (false) notion that men don’t cry or that it is unmanly to cry. So, boys bottle up. This is not healthy. Grief is like pressure. When you increase the pressure in a corked bottle, naturally, the pressure will seek a way of escape. Unfortunately, there is a limit to which the system can take this pressure. So, at some point, if the cork is not taken off, the bottle will naturally yield to pressure and burst. All the bottled tension therefore explodes in the form of anger, outrage, vengeance, depression e.t.c. This can be catastrophic. Therefore, please try not to postpone your mourning! It is not abnormal to cry to release tension when someone you love dies. Let the tears flow if they have to. It helps you carry on with life more easily. Take it or leave it, the dead is dead and no amount of emotions, anger or guilt will ever bring them back. We can only rest in the hope that we shall see them again when all the dead in Christ shall rise again and in God’s kingdom where we shall all reign with Him for eternity.

2. Do not force yourself to hold back your emotions. If you feel like crying, please do. If on the other hand, you do not feel like it, do not force yourself to cry even at the graveside. Not shedding those tears does not mean you do not feel the pain and shedding a whole lake of tears does not mean you care so much about the person. Understand your emotions and stay in charge.

3. Your mind will be filled with questions when someone you love dies. Know that there are no easy answers and in fact, you may never get any apart from the fact that God knows best and He makes all things work together for our good (including the death of a loved one!)

4. Know that you don’t deal with grief; you cope with it because the fact remains that memories of the deceased will always remain with us no matter how much we try to push it aside. Therefore, it becomes important for us to learn how to cope with these memories. A practical way would be to talk to people who have been through similar experience and also to seek help in the word of God. The bible calls the Holy Spirit our Comforter, it calls God “the father of all comfort”

5. Realise that there is nothing wrong with you if you do not “get over it” immediately (probably) like your siblings or other people going through the same situation. Our strengths and weaknesses are different. While making efforts to get over it, take your time to get over it. My suggestion here is that you try not to make yourself an object of pity. But know that you will get over it and you don’t have to rush this process. The pain will be there no matter how emotionally unattached you were to the deceased. Feeling bad that you are still grieving six months after the death of say a parent will only increase your stress level.

6. Spend time in quiet reflections. This does not mean withdrawing from people. But you can do this by reflecting on the good memories you share with the deceased. Distract yourself from brooding over their death by taking time to exercise while you reflect on the positive influence they’ve had on your life and how that has placed you at a vantage position to carry on after they’re gone. You can lift yourself out of depression by listening to inspirational music and reading and absorbing the word of God, knowing that there is no temptation that has befallen you which is not common to man.

7. Sometimes, it may help if we are ready for the death of someone we love especially the elderly. This is far from wishing them dead but accepting the reality that every creature has a lifespan and we all have to die someday. Preparing ourselves for the day when they would pass away does not mean that we still will not feel the loss when God calls them to glory, but it can ameliorate the effect.

8. Be aware of your own physical condition. Your family needs you. Your mental, emotional and physical well being is very important to them. Being aware of this will help you to handle your emotions better when you are bereaved. The last thing you want to do is spend days alone without eating or taking out anger on everyone around you. Your family is already traumatised just as you and I’m sure you don’t want to add to their sorrows by having them running helter-skelter seeking medical help for you. That would be too much for them you’d agree.

9. Never forget that every creature dies and only God is eternal. However, when we die, we have hope that we all shall rise again someday and live to die no more.

10. Let your faith in God work for you at this time. Faith that the deceased is in heaven (if they died a Christian). If however, you feel otherwise about them, it is a time for sober reflections for you as an individual and an opportunity for you to re-evaluate your life and allow God to comfort you.

11. It is very important for you to concentrate on how you can positively make an impact in your family after the demise of such a person especially if it is your parent. How can you help fill the gap they might have left? Think about how you can support your other parent and perhaps your sibling(s). Think about how you can encourage and inspire them.

12. Never be shy or afraid to ask for help if you need any!!! The most dangerous thing in situations such as this is for you not to realise you need help when you need it and it is even more dangerous when you know you need help and somehow, you do not ask for it. Do not think your mum would not understand if it was your dad who passed away and vice versa. Open up to them and let them know how you feel.

13. Be positive! Stay determined and never let your dreams die with the dead.

To be continued...