Beauty in Imperfections

Last week Friday, a seemingly harmless ‘boys’ gossip’ prompted me to reflect on the diversity in our choices as humans and the drivers of those choices. It drives home the fact that one man’s meat may well be another man’s poison. However, it is important to bear in mind how important it is to respect people’s opinions and choices. I can only offer advice irrespective of what I think about my brother’s choice(s) in life but he is absolutely responsible for his actions, consequent upon his choices.

It’s been a while since I spoke with Ted although we both live in the same country. I needed his expert advice on a technology I’d been fiddling with. So, I gave him a ring.

After giving his advice on what he thinks I needed to do to resolve the problem I had with my gadget, I asked if he’d be attending the wedding of a mutual friend, coming up in a few weeks’ time as the venue is not too far from where I live. I asked if he’d be coming on the day of the event or a day before and he replied that he’d prefer to come a day before, depending on whether he’s able to get approval from his place of work.

Typically, he asked if Margaret would be coming (from abroad) for the wedding and I said I don’t know, as I’ve not heard from her in a while. Then he asked if I was also buying a grey suit for the occasion. I said I wasn’t told there was a dress code and nothing in the IV I received suggested I needed a special colour of attire for the day. Surprisingly, I found myself telling Ted how Dennis is keen about me coming to spend some times with him and his fiancée before the wedding date and even more surprisingly, I found myself telling how nice the bride to be appeared to be from my impression of her the few times I’d met her. Before I could finish, Ted cut in; “oh, you’ve met the babe? “ I said ‘yes’ and his next question put question marks on a whole lot of things: “Is the babe fine?” Trying to read through his mind, I found myself stammering, ‘errrr…. Yeah, she’s not bad at all! She matches Dennis’ height pretty well and their children will definitely make it in the Celtics. My attempt to parry the question was a disaster. “Your ‘she’s not bad at all’, doesn’t sound convincing” Anyway, the popular saying, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” helped me kill the conversation and we went on to talk about something else eventually.

As I spoke with Ted, my mind ran through what may have prompted his question about our friend’s choice of a partner. I later ruminated on my age-long held belief that our values influence our thinking which in turn influences our words and actions. Interestingly, Ted’s comment was on the delicate issue of relationships; Relationship between two different individuals, which is about to transpire into a lifetime contract in the next few weeks. I have seen scores of relationships in life, many of which are enviable successes and a lot of which are disasters, and the rhetorical question “what is the key to a successful relationship” or to be more direct, “what do people look out for in a relationship?” welled up.

You’d agree this is a rather difficult question but the answer can save a whole world of pains and heartbreak if the individuals are being honest and pragmatic (By the way, I had to answer this question just this Saturday! :-D). Your perception of relationships and marriage as an institution and hence your vision will be your driving force. I’ve been caught in situations where people have questioned my motivation in a relationship. Often times, their opinions are influenced by their own outlook to life, which does not necessarily translate into the way I personally see and take life. Because I do not conform to their stereotype, my decisions on certain issues of life might look like a pending disaster in their eyes.

I said to Ted on Friday and later on Saturday when he rang after seeing the lady’s photo on Facebook, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. I love physical beauty and if you know me well enough you’d find that it reflects in my choice of everything including gadgets. However, I’ve come to realise that in the delicate topic of relationships, especially when it graduates into our choice of a life partner, I find myself in the general school of thought that a person’s innate beauty surpasses their extrinsic charm when ticking the boxes. While I will not substitute one for the other, I am of the opinion that the bedrock of a marital relationship should be the quest for both parties to sow and reap lasting joy and happiness in a lifetime shared until death do them part. Once this is in place, every other thing (which automatically becomes secondary) falls into place and if my friend Dennis has found a fertile ground to sow the joy of a lifetime, I daresay no man has the right to scorn him for being bold about it. Afterall, if you love me, that overrides what everyone else (including me) says about me. Beyond the façade of ‘what makes me tic about my partner’ is an inexplicable love in my heart that stems from what others would ordinarily think should make me “untic” – the beauty in our imperfections.