HOW TO DEAL WITH BEREAVEMENT (II)

TAKE IT HEAD-ON, DEAL WITH IT!

There is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with bereavement. But based on experience, having been through it myself, I can make a few suggestions which individuals can adapt to their situation.

Contrary to general opinion, when the father dies in a family, the girls are the most vulnerable but the boys require most attention. It sounds silly and self-contradictory but I know what I’m talking about. They have the responsibility to keep the family together as a major family disintegration becomes imminent.

1. Boys in particular like playing “the man” when for example; the father of the house passes away. They try not to cry, maybe they have always lived with the (false) notion that men don’t cry or that it is unmanly to cry. So, boys bottle up. This is not healthy. Grief is like pressure. When you increase the pressure in a corked bottle, naturally, the pressure will seek a way of escape. Unfortunately, there is a limit to which the system can take this pressure. So, at some point, if the cork is not taken off, the bottle will naturally yield to pressure and burst. All the bottled tension therefore explodes in the form of anger, outrage, vengeance, depression e.t.c. This can be catastrophic. Therefore, please try not to postpone your mourning! It is not abnormal to cry to release tension when someone you love dies. Let the tears flow if they have to. It helps you carry on with life more easily. Take it or leave it, the dead is dead and no amount of emotions, anger or guilt will ever bring them back. We can only rest in the hope that we shall see them again when all the dead in Christ shall rise again and in God’s kingdom where we shall all reign with Him for eternity.

2. Do not force yourself to hold back your emotions. If you feel like crying, please do. If on the other hand, you do not feel like it, do not force yourself to cry even at the graveside. Not shedding those tears does not mean you do not feel the pain and shedding a whole lake of tears does not mean you care so much about the person. Understand your emotions and stay in charge.

3. Your mind will be filled with questions when someone you love dies. Know that there are no easy answers and in fact, you may never get any apart from the fact that God knows best and He makes all things work together for our good (including the death of a loved one!)

4. Know that you don’t deal with grief; you cope with it because the fact remains that memories of the deceased will always remain with us no matter how much we try to push it aside. Therefore, it becomes important for us to learn how to cope with these memories. A practical way would be to talk to people who have been through similar experience and also to seek help in the word of God. The bible calls the Holy Spirit our Comforter, it calls God “the father of all comfort”

5. Realise that there is nothing wrong with you if you do not “get over it” immediately (probably) like your siblings or other people going through the same situation. Our strengths and weaknesses are different. While making efforts to get over it, take your time to get over it. My suggestion here is that you try not to make yourself an object of pity. But know that you will get over it and you don’t have to rush this process. The pain will be there no matter how emotionally unattached you were to the deceased. Feeling bad that you are still grieving six months after the death of say a parent will only increase your stress level.

6. Spend time in quiet reflections. This does not mean withdrawing from people. But you can do this by reflecting on the good memories you share with the deceased. Distract yourself from brooding over their death by taking time to exercise while you reflect on the positive influence they’ve had on your life and how that has placed you at a vantage position to carry on after they’re gone. You can lift yourself out of depression by listening to inspirational music and reading and absorbing the word of God, knowing that there is no temptation that has befallen you which is not common to man.

7. Sometimes, it may help if we are ready for the death of someone we love especially the elderly. This is far from wishing them dead but accepting the reality that every creature has a lifespan and we all have to die someday. Preparing ourselves for the day when they would pass away does not mean that we still will not feel the loss when God calls them to glory, but it can ameliorate the effect.

8. Be aware of your own physical condition. Your family needs you. Your mental, emotional and physical well being is very important to them. Being aware of this will help you to handle your emotions better when you are bereaved. The last thing you want to do is spend days alone without eating or taking out anger on everyone around you. Your family is already traumatised just as you and I’m sure you don’t want to add to their sorrows by having them running helter-skelter seeking medical help for you. That would be too much for them you’d agree.

9. Never forget that every creature dies and only God is eternal. However, when we die, we have hope that we all shall rise again someday and live to die no more.

10. Let your faith in God work for you at this time. Faith that the deceased is in heaven (if they died a Christian). If however, you feel otherwise about them, it is a time for sober reflections for you as an individual and an opportunity for you to re-evaluate your life and allow God to comfort you.

11. It is very important for you to concentrate on how you can positively make an impact in your family after the demise of such a person especially if it is your parent. How can you help fill the gap they might have left? Think about how you can support your other parent and perhaps your sibling(s). Think about how you can encourage and inspire them.

12. Never be shy or afraid to ask for help if you need any!!! The most dangerous thing in situations such as this is for you not to realise you need help when you need it and it is even more dangerous when you know you need help and somehow, you do not ask for it. Do not think your mum would not understand if it was your dad who passed away and vice versa. Open up to them and let them know how you feel.

13. Be positive! Stay determined and never let your dreams die with the dead.

To be continued...

HOW TO DEAL WITH BEREAVEMENT (I)- TRIBUTE TO OLAYINKA BABASANYA CRAIG

Berevavement can be a challenging experience, especially if we were very close to the deceased before their demise. The experience can only be explained by the person going through as our experiences are unique and our emotional strengths are not equal. The effects of bereavement also differ depending on the individual and circumstances surrounding the occurrence.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LOSE A LOVED ONE?

To some people, it is a high relief when someone you love dies. It sounds strange to hear that you claim to love someone and you feel a sense of relief when they die. I’ll explain. If for instance, you love someone so dearly and they fell so ill that the pain and agony they’re going through while receiving treatment or care is too much, it may actually be a good thing for the Lord to grant them rest and peace through death (Example, Job asked God to take his life). As much as we do not wish them dead, it may actually be a good thing for the Lord to deliver them from the bondage of Satan by calling them home. This does not mean the Lord cannot deliver them from whatever afflictions they are going through (For me to live is Christ and to die is gain).

For some people, they feel like their world has ended when they lose a loved one. For example when a wife loses her husband or vice versa. In some instances it may by a child who loses a parent that feels this way. It may well be so because such a person had been the one we have always known to cater for us and meet all our needs. They have always been there for us through thick and thin we have unconsciously “built our world on them” The thought of “how do I start?” or “where do I go from here?” makes us feel there is no hope for us without them.

In today’s world where many Christians are very much aware of the vices of the devil, it is not uncommon for some Christians to think they are under the attack of the devil when they lose a loved one. They feel like God has deserted them. Afterall, every good and perfect gift is from above. In fact, they dwell on bible quotations such as “God does not tempt any man with evil”

Losing a loved one to some folks make them feel like God has deserted them either because of their own sins or the sins of the loved one who passed away.

To some, they feel indifferent. This is yet another paradox. A child who has been estranged from a parent because of a broken home may well feel indifferent towards the demise of a parent whom he/she has had no “intimate” relationship for (probably) most of their lives. However, no matter what, we still cannot quantify the love of a parent for a child and the love a child has for a parent even when we feel the absence of it in our emotions.

Losing a loved one, for some people, brings home their own mortality and so brings to bear many, if not all, of one's moral and spiritual beliefs. That is why people react differently to the death of a loved one.

No matter what it means to each individual, bereavement is unfortunately a trial we all have to face and deal with in life someday and one’s prayer can only be that it should not catch up when we are at our point of lowest strength because it can be emotionally, physically and even financially sapping.

IMPLICATIONS OF BEREAVEMENT
Emotional: The emotional implication of losing a loved one can be quite daunting and this should not be taken lightly especially if the bereaved was very close to the deceased. People can be emotionally broken and bankrupt when they lost a loved one. If they do not get the necessary help, it may very easily lead to depression and in some cases, without the depressed even knowing they’re suffering from depression! This can be very dangerous. This is common among spouses and “favourite” children. This is simply because we are created in the image of God, we as humans are designed to be emotional and it is difficult to sever the emotional attachment between two people once they get emotionally attached. A very simple example is a couple who break up. Even after they break up, statistics reveal that these people still hold each other very close to their hearts. It can be a bit challenging if such a broken relationship was their first. As children, our first love ever is our parents. So, losing any of them can have challenging emotional implications on us.

Some people just feel a sense of void in their lives. The reality of a “forever” lost relationship is too real for them to cope with and they look for a replacement in almost anything. This can be dangerous if not properly dealt with
The sense of loss of a confidant, a friend, a role model, a “provider”, a defender, a guide, may make us an emotional wreck if we do not deal with the loss with guidance from God.

Financial: The reality of death of one of the parents in the family is that the income for that family is reduced. It can be worse if the deceased parent or spouse as the case may be, earned the larger percentage of the family income before their demise. It can be very difficult for the family to cope after their death.

Apart from giving us love and guidance, our parents have always been there to care for us and meet our financial needs. Losing them can in some cases pose a big challenge to us in that respect especially in the African setting. We have seen and heard stories about how extended family members strip a family of all their assets when the father dies. Apart from making life hard for the family of the deceased financially, it can create additional emotional and psychological pain for the bereaved wife and children.

With a reduced or terminated income for the family, this may mean that you may not be able to afford to live in that big house anymore. You may not be able to drive those cars anymore. You have always enjoyed shopping every weekend and you could do it because there was a parent that provided the funds. Their demise may put a stop to this. Those holiday trips may never happen again. Worst of it all, you may have to STOP your education because of the death of a parent. This is the biggest nightmare of any child who loses a parent or both parents.

Psychological: The thought that we may never see our loved ones again, the thought that those moments of laughter and togetherness are forever gone and also the fact that our source of emotional and financial support is gone affect us psychologically. The feel of pain and sense of loss distorts our psychological balance when we lose a loved one. Sometimes we even feel guilty for their demise especially when we impose responsibility on ourselves for their death.

The death of a loved one can also affect us psychologically when we realise how difficult life is going to become in the coming months and probably years. The extent to which the death of a loved one affects us psychologically depends on many factors. For example, first children, especially boys awake to the reality of their position in the family when the father passes away. It can be worse if it happened when we least expect it and are therefore not prepared for the responsibility that life suddenly imposes on us. This can lead to anger and sometimes recklessness. Sometimes, we become overzealous in trying to carry the load which may be too heavy for our shoulders and this can have serious implications in the family and even on us as individuals.

Spiritual: The bible makes us realise the role of the mother in a home as a helper to the father. This implies that the father is not all-sufficient in his role as the head of the family. Hence, the death of the father can leave a void in the family. Also, the bible makes us to realise the priestly role of a father in a home. Hence, the passing away of one of our parents can create and void in the priesthood of the home. Unless the family braces up and rise to this challenge, the devil may capitalise on this crack to penetrate the family.

Physical: Our parents not only meet our spiritual, emotional and financial needs, they strive to ensure that we grow up to be a complete individual by also attending to our physical needs. For those who lose a parent when they are very young, this may be a big challenge. When they attain a certain age (puberty), every child needs a parent who will offer guidance to be able to cope with the sudden changes that begin to happen in their bodies. The absence of the father by reason of death may make it a difficult experience for a boy and his mother when going through this stage. It can be more challenging for the mother because she may not understand the divers things a male child is going through especially if the loss of the father has caused the buy to withdraw and build a wall around himself. Although girls are a bit softer, they may not be comfortable to discuss puberty and associated changes with their father like they would their mother no matter how close they are to the father. These have serious implications as such children may seek to find help elsewhere and frankly, their first point of call would be friends who themselves know little or nothing about the subject matter. The result of this kind of advice from peers has most often than not, been wrong guidance with tales of how friends have misled each other.

OUR REACTIONS TO THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
Based on various factors such as differences in background and upbringing, family structure, level of closeness to the deceased, faith, individual emotional strength, culture, e.t.c people react differently to bereavement. And the truth of the matter is that there is no right or wrong way to react when death snatches someone we love away from us. However, there are some common reactions that most bereaved people tend to show. These are;

1. Grief: People become sorrowful when they lost a loved one. I have seen cases where someone grieved over a loved one ceaselessly. It is not wrong to grieve when someone we love dies.

2. Anger: If grief is not properly managed, it can lead to a serious depression and one of the ways which people react is anger and being edgy. You feel like life is unfair and you take it up on everyone around you.

3. Withdrawal: Sometimes because we lost a loved one, we become afraid. We become timid and feel insecure most especially if we feel the deceased had been treated unfairly by life. As a result, we tend to withdraw from other people; we tend to keep to ourselves and bottle up our emotions and feelings. It can be worst if we are suspicious of the circumstances surrounding the death of the deceased. This makes it difficult and in some cases, impossible to trust other people

4. Guilt: People feel guilty when they take responsibility for the death of a loved one. For example, a child whose parent died in an accident while trying to rush home from work so that the child would not feel “neglected” may blame it on himself or herself (possibly) for the rest of their life. For example Sara in “Save The Last Dance”

5. Blame: Blame can happen from two different perspectives. (a) We may blame ourselves for the death of a loved one when we think our action/inaction cost them their lives. This is one major cause of guilt after the death of a loved one (b) We may blame other people for being responsible for the death of our loved one(s) if we feel their action/inaction was responsible for such a death. Sometimes, this may lead the individual who is bereaved to act irrationally towards themselves or other people.

6. Revenge: Some of the crimes that happen in today’s society happen because somebody feels unfairly treated and wants to have their pound of flesh. A bereaved teenager (especially boys) may want to express their pain at the loss of a loved one (parent or friend) by taking vengeance on the person(s) they feel is/are responsible for such a loss. Sometimes it is an eye for an eye and sometimes, we just wait for the opportunity to pay them back but not necessarily in their own coins.

7. Try to find a replacement for the person: For very emotional people (especially girls) one way they react to bereavement is to try to find a replacement for the dead person. Some go to the extent of making effigies of the dead person.

8. Give up on life: The fear of the unknown sometimes weakens our strength to cope with the void the deceased may have left. This may cause the bereaved in such situations to give up on life especially when they are not getting any form of support from family and friends whom they probably were looking up to. This can also lead to irrational behaviours such as people getting themselves to believe that there is nothing to live for again and therefore take their own lives as well. I call this “double tragedy”

To be continued...